This Father Steps In After His Daughter Is Singled Out Over Her Outfit Choice
When the school administrator called Tony Alarcon to let him know that his middle school daughter's outfit was breaking the school dress code, he was confused. He dropped her off in the morning and saw other girls wearing something similar. Why were they signaling out his daughter?
Then the administrator let it slip the real reason his daughter was called to the office. After listening to them berate his daughter he rolled up his sleeves. He was ready for a fight.
Tony Alarcon Was A Man On A Mission
Tony Alarcon is a successful investment banker and real estate mogul, so he is used to getting his way. When he realized the things his daughter's school was saying about her, he wasn't going to let it slide.
When he drove up to the school and saw her tear-stained face, he knew there was going to be a fight -- he wasn't going to take things lying down. You won't believe the reason why his daughter was called out.
Demetra Didn't See What Was Wrong With Her Clothing
Tony's daughter, Demetra, was embarrassed that she had been called out that day. Even though dress code violations happen every day, it doesn't mean it was any less mortifying for the teenage girl.
When she picked out her outfit that morning she saw nothing wrong with it. Her dad didn't even say anything when he dropped her off. And a father would be the first person to tell his daughter to go back to their room and change!
She Picked The Outfit Because of The Temperature That Day
Demetra's school was like any other public school and there were no uniforms. The school board just asked that the students dress modestly, which is not an abnormal request. When Demetra picked out her outfit that blistering hot California morning she never expected it to cause such an uproar.
She also never expected her dad to get into a clash of the titan' type of situation with the school administration over a simple outfit. But this was just the beginning.
She Didn't Dress Any Different Than The Other Girls
The poor teenager's outfit became a hot-topic overnight, and what was once a quiet life turned into a whirlwind of media and public outcry. But why Demetra? Her outfit was no different than the other girls that day. It was so hot out, who could blame them?
Aside from the "dress code violation" that caused all of the initial attention, something even worse was on the horizon. There was no way that a simple outfit was the reason to humiliate a teenager.
It Was 90 Degrees Out In Los Gatos, California
Raymond J. Fisher Middle School is located in Los Gatos, California. It was 90-degrees out that day, Demetra decided to wear a blue romper so she would be comfortable in the heat. Who could blame her?
Even though it is a very harmless outfit, there was just something about it that was going to make people lose their minds. A teacher called her out on the outfit in her first class, and then the principal made the mistake of calling her father.
The Principal Gave Her Father Two Options
On the phone, the principal gave Tony two different options. The first, he could come by the school and pick up Demetra and bring her home. Pretty much a day suspension. The second option would be to drop off a change of clothing.
Tony was confused, and rightfully so! He didn't see anything wrong with the outfit his daughter had on this morning. And he would know, he's the one who dropped her off at school. And weren't other girls wearing something similar?
He Decided To Bring His Daughter A Change Of Clothes
Reluctantly, Tony went to his daughter's room and started to rifle through her drawers, trying to find an outfit the school would deem "appropriate." He finally stumbled across a plain tank top and a pair of denim shorts -- harmless!
He drove to the school only to find his daughter waiting at the gate with a tear-stained face. What did the principal say to his daughter that would warrant tears? Tony's battle was just beginning.
The Second Outfit Didn't Pass The Dress Code Either
Demetra changed into the clothing that her father brought her. You won't guess what happened. The principal, again, said that her outfit was not acceptable for school. Tony was now furious. He had personally picked out the outfit, so he knew there was nothing inappropriate about it.
He asked the administrator exactly what the issue was, even having Demetra demonstrate how the shorts were covering her a decent amount. He wanted them to tell him the truth.
They Still didn't Say Why It Was Inappropriate
Tony had his suspicions as to why they were signaling out his daughter, but in this day and age, he didn't want to believe it. Even though he was prepared for the worst, he was outraged when they actually came out and said it.
Even so, the school administrator continued to tip-toe around the actual reason why they were making a big deal about his daughter's clothing. You won't believe what their next excuse turned out to be.
The Fingertip Test
They went on to explain that the dress code violation had nothing to do about modesty and everything to do about the "fingertip test." Meaning, her thumb had to be above the hemline of her clothing. The school administrator said that the romper and the denim shorts did not pass the test, they were too short.
Baffled at that reasoning, Tony argued that other girls in Demetra's class were wearing the same exact thing. Why weren't they being pulled out of class?
The Shorts Passed The Test
As absurd as it is, Tony had Demetra demonstrate the "fingertip test" for the administrator. She relaxed and let her arms fall down to her sides. And what do you know, the hem of the shorts fell below the tip of her thumb.
Seeing that the explanation wasn't going to work on the increasingly angry father, the administrator quickly came up with another. Her next reasoning had Tony seeing red. What exactly was she saying about his daughter?
The Clothing Was "Distracting" To The Male Students
The administrator regretted the words right after they left her mouth. The reason was that her outfits were distracting to the boys in Demetra's class. What a joke. Now that he had the true reason why the school was singling out his daughter he was going to fight back.
The school had made his little girl cry not because of her outfit choice or that she dressed immodestly. It was because she was "insinuating" things to the male students.
The Administrator Thought Leggings Were A Compromise
Then the administrator did something truly astounding. She said that the only way Demetra was going to be allowed back in class was if Tony brought her a pair of leggings to wear. It's 90-degrees outside! Talk about cruel and unusual punishment.
The father and daughter couldn't believe the unfairness of it all. Demetra felt like she was being bullied about her appearance and Tony agreed with her. The school had something else coming to it.
There Was A Double Standard At The School
Demetra quickly pointed out the double standard at the school, and how the dress code was never enforced on the male students. Hats weren't allowed to be worn in class, and yet the boys broke that rule on a daily basis without any repercussions.
Tony then pointed out that he sees students in the parking lot every day not following the dress code. It definitely looks like the female students are being watched a lot closer than the males.
Tony Decided To Ask His Daughter's Friends
How could they make someone wear leggings on such a hot day? Tony felt as though the dress code didn't allow for hot-weather options. And the fact that they weren't allowing for his daughter to be comfortable was not acceptable to him.
Tony decided to go to his daughter's friends, asking for their opinion on the matter. Almost every girl agreed that the dress code was unfair. The girls were being made to feel uncomfortable all because the male students couldn't control themselves?
Tony Went To The Media To Voice His Concerns
This was all unacceptable to Tony. He took to his daughter's dilemma to the media, appearing on Today and a few other local news reports. He voiced his concerns about the school's unfairness towards its female student population. More importantly, he voiced how the school made his daughter feel that day.
He told the reporters that all his daughter wanted was to feel comfortable, and that the school was doing the opposite. Was Tony going to win this fight?
The Dress Code Shouldn't Be The Administration's Decision
When asked for solutions to the outdated dress code Tony had a very reasonable idea. The dress code should be up to the parents. The teachers shouldn't be the ones to decide what is and what isn't appropriate for the students to be wearing.
The proposed idea actually started to gain some traction with the public. After all, the dress code was outdated. Parents also weren't willing to subject their daughters to the same type of treatment as Demetra.
Tony Came Up With A Few Solutions
Tony proposed that they update the dress code, stating that "underwear and midriffs could not be visible" and that there should be "no shirts with spaghetti straps." Both amendments were not unreasonable options and were actually very agreeable.
What the father didn't know at the time was that he was scratching the surface of a much larger societal issue -- females "insinuating things" because of their clothing choice. But not everyone agreed with Tony's stance on the issue.
There Are Two Sides To The Argument
There seemed to be two very different sides of the argument. While most people were agreeing with Tony, saying that he was digging into the issues surrounding body image and the objectification of girls, others were saying that if teenagers were allowed to wear anything they wanted then the educational system would be chaos.
Who knew that one father standing up for his daughter would cause such a stir! The issue was so hot that the school had no choice but to make a statement.
Change Was Inevitable
The school said that the dress code was in place to establish guidelines for "reasonable decorum." Tony didn't back down, he was adamant that the school do something about the unreasonable dress code that they have in place. They had completely overreacted to his daughter's clothing choices, after all.
Principal Fraser decided to hold a meeting, eventually agreeing that some changes need to be made to the current rules. Only time will tell what those actually changes will be.
Teen Banned From Wearing Yoga Pants, Mom Writes Letter That Goes Viral
It's typical for schools to have dress codes in place so that students don’t have free reign to wear whatever they want that might distract or offend their peers. Some educational institutions require their students to wear a uniform, such as khaki pants and collared shirts.
Other schools don’t allow students to wear clothing with logos on them. Still more ban things such as sleeveless tops or shorts that aren’t a certain length.
One Big Happy Family
Dr. Catherine Pearlman is a typical mom who would probably have milk and cookies ready for her children when they come home from school. She works as a social worker and is also a writer.
She grew up in Long Island, New York, but currently resides with her husband and their children in California. They also have a dog named Norma. On the surface, it appears that Pearlman and her family are a stereotypical nuclear family: two parents, two children, and a beloved pet. (Do they have a white picket fence as well?)
A Mom with Credentials
Pearlman's life seems pretty common to most people. However, she is an expert on families. She writes about parenting issues on her blog, The Family Coach. It includes the tagline: "Because we all need a little coaching sometimes." According to her blog, she “advises on all matters of parenting such as potty and sleep training, discipline, food issues, sibling rivalry, and more.”
Pearlman earned her doctorate in social welfare at Yeshiva University and her master’s degree in social work from New York University. She has a private practice and is also an assistant professor in the social work program at Brandman University.
Yoga Pants Ban
Through her work, Pearlman focuses primarily on other parents' problems with their children. But in August 2016, she found herself in the middle of a situation involving her own child. A teacher from her daughter’s school told the young ladies that females were not allowed to wear yoga pants during gym class.
Yoga pants are generally cotton, spandex, or some other type of stretchy material that are tightly fitted on a person’s body. Pearlman was not happy with the rule and was troubled by the reason why girls were banned from wearing yoga pants while taking gym class.
Uncontrollable Urges
The teacher at her daughter's school claimed that if girls wore clothing such as yoga pants to school, the boys in class would get noticeably aroused. She added that males that age can’t help themselves when they are around females. They just have trouble controlling themselves. The teacher came to the conclusion that enforcing a yoga pants ban would prevent any embarrassing situations from taking place.
It’s unclear what type of embarrassing incidents the teacher was referring to. Perhaps the boys would attack the girls in yoga pants? Or maybe they’d be making sprints to the bathroom to take care of business? Nonetheless, Pearlman was furious.
What About Miniskirts?
Pearlman couldn't contain her anger. She decided to write about the incident on her blog. After all, she has a lot of experience dealing with families and children and the normal behaviors of the average teen male and female.
She wrote, "In the 1960s and ’70s, the girls all wore miniskirts that barely covered their rears. And the boys still managed to graduate." She does have a point. Even 50 years ago fashion often highlighted aspects the female body the men find sexy and attractive. Does it make a difference if legs are bare or covered in a tight, stretchy material?
Males Need to Take Responsibility
After pointing out that girls have been wearing clothing that boys find attractive for decades, she slammed the school's dress code, which was specifically targeting females. She believed it sent the wrong message to young women. Pearlman wrote, "Banning yoga pants for the purpose of avoiding unwanted erections sends the message that boys are programmed to respond and can’t help what their bodies do."
So girls need to take the blame for a boy’s reaction? Pearlman added, “Boys and men are responsible for their actions.” She wanted to make the point that males need to exercise self-restraint when they see an attractive female.
Girl Shaming Is Not Okay
Pearlman added that it wasn't her daughter’s job to make sure that her male classmates control themselves. "It isn’t the responsibility of my daughter (or any daughter) to help boys manage sexual urges," she wrote. “It is the responsibility of the boys. It isn’t okay to start shaming girls about their bodies by telling them to obsessively cover up. And girls should not have to disregard their own comfort to protect the comfort of the boys around them.”
In other words, a girl should decide to wear something such as yoga pants because it’s comfortable. She should not be afraid that doing so will cause problems with the boys around her.
Another Dress Code Violation
It's very clear that Pearlman was quite angry about the school’s dress code. She felt that her daughter, and other students, had the right to wear yoga pants if they chose to do so. It’s not as though the girls were wearing booty-baring short shorts or blouses that revealed a lot of cleavage. They weren’t walking around in stilettos.
But perhaps Pearlman would defend that type of fashion as well? When teachers reprimanded Pearlman’s daughter for an additional clothing violation, she was furious. Instead of just writing a blog post, she decided to take additional action. She had enough.
Forced to Change into Boy Shorts
Apparently, Pearlman's daughter dressed inappropriately for school two days in a row. On the first day, it was because she wore yoga pants, which were so distracting to boys that apparently they couldn’t control themselves around her or other girls who wore similar pants.
On the second day, her daughter had the audacity to wear shorts to school, which also posed a problem. In fact, they were such a problem that administrators forced her daughter to change into a pair of boy’s shorts that were found in the school. So, girl shorts were bad but boy shorts were good.
Angry Letter to the Principal
Pearlman was really angry that her daughter was humiliated two days in a row because of a dress code that seemingly targeted girls. First, it was yoga pants, an article of clothing that millions of people wear every day to the gym, at home, and as leisure wear.
Then it was shorts, which are also a common item for summer. Pearlman was so outraged that she sent a letter to the school's principal, who happened to be a woman. Pearlman suggested that the principal go clothes shopping with her daughter and find more appropriate outfits that she could wear on a day-to-day basis.
Limited Clothing Options
Pearlman was so infuriated that she gave explicit instructions to the principal to help her find clothes that would be suitable for the classroom. "Here are the specifications you have to work with. I wish you loads of luck," Pearlman wrote. “She is 5 feet 7 inches and 13 years old. Built more like her father, she has exceptionally long legs and arms.”
It may seem surprising to some people (okay, probably not), but not all girls or boys have the same body type. Pearlman's daughter is a little tall for her age and has long limbs. She has limited clothing options.
Sweatpants Are Not an Option
Pearlman wasn't done and proceeded to describe her daughter’s preferences. She added that her daughter isn’t your typical girly girl who likes flowers and butterflies, sequins and lace, and other frilly, fluffy or stereotypical feminine wear. In fact, her daughter preferred more comfortable clothing, such as a t-shirt featuring her favorite band.
So what about more loose clothing such as sweatpants? They were absolutely out of the question because her daughter had problems with overheating. And as the name suggests, they can make you sweat. Also, anyone who has a teenager daughter knows that sweatpants aren’t a top pick to wear to school.
No Tank Tops Or Short Skirts
Pearlman took a long hard look at the dress code requirements and determined that some of them would be very difficult to adhere to. "Now, don't forget that you will have to find something in the stores that also meets with your dress code requirements," Pearlman wrote.
“Here are the tricky areas that are most difficult to avoid. As per your policy, she cannot wear tank tops. Shorts and skirts must not extend to the end of the fingertips (this is a toughie.)” Don’t forget, Pearlman’s daughter has long arms and legs, so finding shorts that meet the criteria isn’t easy.
Clothes Shopping Is Challenging
Pearlman continued, "She has very long fingers which seem to make finding shorts that won't get her sent to the principal’s office impossible. On the bright side, the piano teacher says those fingers are an asset."
As Pearlman pointed out, it wasn’t an easy job finding clothing that fit the school’s specs. She added, “I’d schedule a few afternoons and weekends for this endeavor. I can tell you from experience that just heading to the mall, Target and the outlets won’t cut it. Not much for her there. I’ve already checked.” It’s likely that Pearlman isn’t the only mom who’s struggled to find the right clothes for her daughter.
Money Is Also a Factor
As Pearlman already established, problem number one was that her daughter was banned from wearing yoga pants. Problem number two was that she couldn't wear shorts unless they were a certain length. Problem number three was finding a style of clothing that was appealing to her daughter.
In addition to adhering to the school’s dress code and locating items that fit her daughter’s tastes, Pearlman pointed out another issue. Money! As the mother of a growing teen, it wasn’t feasible to spend a lot of money on shirts, pants, and shorts that would only be worn by her daughter for a limited period of time.
Sick of the Dress Code
Pearlman was obviously frustrated with not only the school's dress code but also her inability to easily find clothing that not only fit her teen daughter but was also something she wanted to wear. Pearlman wrote towards the end of her letter to the principal: "I thank you endlessly for taking on this chore. What a relief for me."
If she can’t tackle her daughter’s clothing issues, maybe someone else can! (Someone like a school principal who’s in charge of hundreds of teenagers). Pearlman completed the letter by writing, “Sincerely, Sick Of The Dress Code Mom.” Do you think the principal got her point?
Hypocrisy of School Dress Codes
It's unclear how or if the school responded to Pearlman’s letter to the principal, which clearly outlined why it was such a challenge finding school-appropriate clothing for her 13-year-old daughter. But whether or not the letter made an impact with administrators, it made an impression on other parents around the United States.
The note went viral online among moms and dads who know exactly what Pearlman was going through as the mom of a teenage girl. Not surprisingly, it’s not easy being a parent. After reading Pearlman’s letter, several people pointed out how many school dress codes are hypocritical.
Boys Often Get More Leeway
In one response to Pearlman's letter, one woman wrote on Facebook: "Just had a conversation with my middle school son. He said boys don’t get dress coded… only the girls. The boys wear clothes with pot leaves on them and, apparently, that’s appropriate."
“But a girl’s stomach is cause for PE clothes to be worn in lieu of what her parents felt was appropriate to wear to school.” So, according to this mom, the boys at her son’s school get away with wearing t-shirts with drug symbols on them, while the girls get reprimanded if they show off their midriffs.
Support from Other Parents
Pearlman made a point in her letter that resonated with a lot of parents who have teenagers. She didn't like the way administrators treated her daughter. She and other girls shouldn’t be treated as distractions because boys allegedly have uncontrollable urges. The responsibility should not fall solely on girls.
And a school’s focus should be on the students’ education and not whether their fingertips reach the end of their shorts or not. There are more important things for teachers and those in charge to tackle. Perhaps in the future girls will have more freedom in their clothing choices and boys will learn how to behave themselves around women in tank tops.
