Which Of These Schoolyard Personas Does Your Kid Have?
Despite living in different parts of the country and being surrounded by different people, the schoolyard experience and the characters around all seemed to be quite similar: the kids changed, but the players were always the same.
These are some of the most common schoolyard personas and your kid is probably one of them.
The Monkey Bars Gymnast
The second they're let out for recess, this kid beelines to the monkey bars to show off how good they are at climbing or doing tricks. They act like they are an Olympics-bound gymnast and roast all the other kids for "not being as good at it."
The "My Dad Is A Lawyer!" Guy
This kid, the second anyone even came close to touching him or mocking him, would remind everyone on the playground that his dad is a lawyer and he will sue you for damages. It was like, relax, Ian: you won't die from getting hit in dodgeball.
That One Kid Who's Always Muddy For No Reason
It could be a perfectly sunny day after weeks without rain and this one kid will be muddy nonetheless—shoes, shirt, and hands just covered with no clear explanation for how they got dirty.
The Class Clown
This kid is the bane of every teacher's existence—a permanent and incorrigible interrupter in the classroom and on the playground at recess. However, the whole class loves the kid and their antics.
The Horse Girl
Kids can like all sorts of animals, but there's something unique about the way horse girls exist. They'll run around on all fours and graze on grass in the middle of the yard while pretending to be a horse.
The Instigator Who Never Gets In Trouble
This person always starts talking first or comes up with the bad ideas, but they never seem to get in trouble when the teacher catches the group. They live to let others take the fall for them.
The Kid Who Spends Recess In The Classroom
This kid might also spend recess in the library, but playing outside is just not the wave for them. They'll start their homework, read a book, or even help the teacher set up as long as they don't have to hit the playground.
The Drama Circle
As they reach the higher grades, this group of girls never plays at recess: instead, they gossip together about whatever rumors or drama they can stir up together. There's always something scandalous that needs their attention.
The Kid Who Is Always Crying
This kid just cries at the drop of a hat. When they were younger, it made sense: going to school as a 4-year-old is scary. However, you can't be that emotional all the time.
The Yu-Gi-Oh/Pokémon Card Collectors
Maybe Pokémon and Yu-Gi-Oh are outdated and remnants of my time, but there were always kids collecting cards and battling each other on the playground. I have no doubt there is a similar game that kids today are playing.
The Snack Dealer
This kid is setting up the soft skills needed to one day sell illicit substances; they'll offer up their snacks in exchange for a range of goods and services under the table so the teachers don't catch kids sharing food.
The Nosebleed Kid
Why did we all have that one kid at our elementary school who would get nosebleeds all the time? Nothing would even hit them—they'd just start bleeding for no reason.
The One Whose Parents Clearly Did Their Project
You're trying to tell me that Timmy, who cannot even color within the lines during art class, constructed a paper mâché volcano that has been painted with incredible detail all on his own?
The Kid Going Through An Emo Phase
This kid listens to tons of sad or punk rock music and dresses for the part. In my day, the big players were Fall Out Boy and Paramore, but I think the modern ones might listen to Juice Wrld and Billie Eilish.
The Smelly Kid
Not to be confused with the muddy kid, this kid always just smells off, but there are no clear indicators for why they smell bad. It's a mystery for the ages.
The Girl With 2,000 Pens And The Notes
You know exactly who I'm talking about. This girl's notes look like they belong in an art museum because they're so perfectly scripted, color-coded, and organized in order. Would they actually be useful to study from? Probably not.
The Kid Who Always Changes The Game Rules
Alternatively titled the "sore loser," this little jerk will try to introduce new rules to a game or try and change the current ones because they're losing and desperately want to win.
The Kid Who Thinks Every Recess Is The Super Bowl
A game of touch football (or frankly, any sport) during recess was this kid's NFL fantasy. They were weirdly intense about winning and would complain to the non-existent refs if anything didn't go their way.
The Kid Who Wears Shorts 24/7/365
It could be 90°F out or 0°F out, this kid is rolling up to school in cargo shorts and either running shoes or sandals. How they haven't died of hypothermia is beyond me.
The Kid Who Is Obsessed With Bugs
Every single recess, you will see this kid crawling on the ground to catch a new grasshopper, beetle, caterpillar, etc. They love bugs and, even if you think it's gross, you're happy that they're passionate about it.
The Surprise Straight-A Student
On the surface, this person seems totally average. They don't ever seem to try hard in school, they look distracted in class, and they say dumb stuff all the time, but, by some miracle, they have amazing grades. It makes no sense.
The Hoarder
This kid is a future star of at least one episode of a TLC show; on the outside, they seem normal, but the inside of their desk is full to the edge with a variety of crumpled papers, candy wrappers, and other garbage.
The Quiet Kid Who Is Always Listening To Music
Any second that this kid does not have their headphones in, they are miserable. You're lucky if they'll take out a single earbud to listen to you say something. They have mysterious but non-threatening energy.
The Teacher's Pet
This kid is at risk for a major rotator cuff injury and shoulder pain because they keep their hand up all the time. Instead of hanging out with other kids at recess, they walk beside the teacher on duty.
The Group Project Dictator
The second you were assigned to do a group project with this person, they decided to captain the ship, not use anyone else's ideas, and treat everyone else like they were stupid.
The "I'm Not Like Other Girls" Girl
Everyone would be totally fine with her liking to play football with the boys, read books, and listen to punk rock music if she didn't go out of her way to say, "I'm not like other girls!" which is just diet "I think I'm better than other girls!"
The Kumon Kid
On one hand, you always felt a little bad for the kid who was in Kumon because you know they had to do double the homework every night. On the other hand, they flipped over their daily multiplication sheet first with a little too much arrogant vigor.
The Kid Who's Weirdly Addicted To Starbucks
It's definitely because their mom or dad would go to Starbucks in the morning on the way to school and would get the kid a hot chocolate or something. Anyway, the little jerk now thinks they're elite for walking into class with the cup and are weirdly loyal to the brand.
The Girls Who Write Their A's That Way
It was always the mean, popular girls who wrote like this. You could immediately tell if a girl was going to make fun of your clothes or start rumors about you if she wrote her lowercase A's that way. This is a fact.
We All Were, At One Point, The Kid Who Just Threw Up
Remember being in class or on the playground in your early school days and, out of the blue, some kid would just throw up on their desk? It happened to at least half of us where we'd just be chilling during reading circle and then suddenly we'd puke. It's just part of being a kid.
