Parents Share The Weirdest Things They’ve Had To Explain To Their Toddlers
You know how they say that toddlers are basically like tiny drunk adults? Some of that is due to their stumbling around, but the rest has gotta be thanks to the absurd and nonsensical things they say and do. Often, you don't even know where to begin explaining things to them.
These parents took to Reddit to share the weirdest, most absurd things they ever had to explain to their toddlers, and man, some of them are bizarre.
The Picasso Who Must Be Tamed
"We have an almost daily conversation about how it's not nice to color the cat." —SmudgeZelda
They say you shouldn't limit a child's creativity, but if the kid doesn't find a new canvas, chances are the cat might try to make the argument itself soon, and the cat won't be as nice about it.
Zero Is Not A Number
"So we were counting down the time on the microwave until her chicken nuggets were done. 3...2...1...END.
"The worst tantrum today was that she wanted to count down to 0 on the microwave, but there is no 0, just END. 'No, I can't make the microwave be 0 sweetie.'" —Overthemoon64
You've Got A Fried In Lettuce
"'No, you can't take the lettuce to bed with you.' He was 4 at the time and the head of lettuce was his new best friend." —MadameBurner
Who gets to decide that dolls and cars make good toys but lettuce doesn't? It would be way cheaper to replace, and it makes for a healthy snack if they chew on it.
Test By Taste
"Why it isn't nice to lick people...or the dog." —therealDannyMartin
Kids love to explore with all their senses...literally. They'll touch, smell, and even taste objects that should definitely never find their way to the tongue.
"We Don't Touch People Like That"
"After my then 2-year-old daughter reached out and caressed the butt of a woman in a tightly packed elevator.
"I still remember the look on the woman's face as she spun around and looked at me, and then looked down to see a smiling 2-year-old in her stroller with her hand still outstretched." —shamirk
Kids have no sense of social cues.
Selfless To A Fault
"'You need to make me more chicken nuggets.' Me: Well why is that, buddy, are you still hungry? 'No, but Sydney (our dog) was so I fed them to her.'
"It's not that he didn't want to eat... He just thought the dog looked hungry so he fed her his entire bowl without taking a bite." —Bring_Ni_a_Shrubbery
These are the kinds of traits that need to be encouraged to make kind adults.
"Yes, I Know They're Very Pretty, But Your Panties Have To Go Inside Your Pants."
"She didn't understand what the point of having underwear with her favorite cartoon characters on them was if she couldn't show them off to people. We were getting ready for church, by the way." —darkknight109
Fashion is about expression. Wear underwear wherever you want.
"Hooker Toys"
"He had a bunch of those little McDonald's toys that you can clip onto backpacks and stuff. 'Hey, bud, how about we find another name for those. Something different than 'hooker toys?'" —als0226
There is no reason to corrupt a young boy's innocent mind by explaining why.
Bathroom With A Side Of Ranch
"My son constantly asks to take the ranch to the bathroom with him. Sometimes it goes." —landreasen
Why, though? Nobody knows. In fact, nobody wants to know what happens to the ranch in there.
Only Wash What's Dirty
"I had to explain to my 2-year-old today that we don't in fact just wash one hand after using the bathroom. 'This one's not dirty!' Followed by a plethora of tears, of course." —landreasen
In the kid's defense, the logic is sound. The hygiene, on the other hand (no pun intended), is not.
"Stop Drinking Your Bath Water" —bumpywigs
The kid clearly has no idea what kind of dirt has gone in the water. It might be a good solution to bring them a bottle they can drink from in the bath.
"Yes Jr, Trees ARE Real, They Exist" —meghfhh
Imagine being asked if trees were real.
There are so many fake plants and trees indoors that look just like the real deal that you can't blame a kid for being confused.
"Don't Wrap The Phone Cord Around Your Neck!" —bookluvr83
Don't worry, new parents: luckily for you, there is no such thing as a phone cord today, really. Unless you still have your landline from the '90s, little Timmy won't be able to wrap the iPhone around his neck.
The Beauty Of Siblings
"Quit chasing your brother with a penguin and quit pretending you're going to pee on him! All one sentence." —EmmaLadycola
Having a sibling at a young age really helps build character. This is why.
"Stop Yelling Damn It"
"I had to tell my 18-month-old to stop yelling 'damn it' loudly while I changed his diaper." —neclord84
Once kids learn to talk, it's game over. They pick up everything you say and use it in completely inappropriate contexts.
"No, You Can't Climb In The Oven" —stobbsm
"Happened every day for about a week."
I hope that they just didn't even bother trying to cook that day because it would have been too scary of a risk. McDonald's for everybody!
"Stop Rubbing This Cucumber All Over Your Face..."
"Not super weird but not something I usually say." —imagelicious_JK
Five-star spas use cucumbers as hydrating face masks all the time, so there are way worse things that they could be rubbing all over their face.
I Like It, I Want It, I Got It
"My cousin's toddler had a total meltdown while we were driving. Turns out, he saw someone else's car that he liked and he wanted to ride in it. Couldn't fathom that his mommy can't just steal someone else's car." —Damn_Dog_Inappropes
Wouldn't be nice, though, if you just could take anything you saw and liked—like in Ariana Grande's song?
"Stop Hitting The Wall With Your Head And Yelling BOOM!" —estau329
At what point do you feel enough pain to stop hitting your own head? It may be necessary to nail a mattress to the wall until further notice like they do in the looney bins.
The Couch Stuffing Is Not Food
"I had to tell my 4-year-old to stop biting the couch today. I never thought I'd have to say that." —britterny
For some reason, young kids really enjoy the taste of such stuffing, to the point where they'll rip the couch just to get access to it...do they at least want salt with that?
The Random Old People Who Come Visit
"My little sister didn't realize our grandparents are our grandparents and thought they are random old people who come by often." —Jupiter-Space-King
How nice of these old people to come over with gifts so often because they have nothing better to do!
"No Tongue Kissing Any Strangers"
This one requires a bit of context: "On our way to get takeout: Me: 'OK, what are the rules when we go into the restaurant?' Toddler: 'Keep our masks on. Don't touch anything.' Me: 'Right OK, let’s do this.' Toddler: 'Also no kissing anyone in the restaurant with our tongues on their mouth' Me: 'right.. yes. No tongue kissing any strangers. Good job.' —Big-Turn
"Please Don't Drive Your Truck On Your Ham..."
"...And that's why toys aren't allowed at the table." —yes_i_am_a_vampire
I can't imagine the truck would slide that well on cooked ham, so that's just a poor choice of road on the kid's part.
"You Won't Get A Lot Of Mac-N-Cheese From Selling Your Brother" —[deleted]
Macaroni and cheese tastes very good and is comfort food for both adults and children, but I don't think it's worth trading in a sibling for... It barely costs two dollars.
"Please Stop Pouring The Dog's Water On The Cat" —c8h1On4Otwo
The dog and the cat have enough to fight about as it is, there is no reason to provoke the cat with one more thing. Let the cat and the dog be friends.
"Put The Knife Down And Go Put On Some Pants..."
"I never thought I would utter the phrase 'put the knife down and go put on some pants,' especially not to a two-year-old." —AHPpilot
The funny part is that no context is required. All parents can agree that this typical toddler behavior.
"Don't Put Your Trains In The Orange Juice, It's Not Lava" —Islanduniverse
Wait until their classmates teach them the "the floor is lava" game. It's a game that entails that your feet can never touch the floor. They'll be climbing all your furniture with a few casualties along the way.
"You Can't See My Bones Because They're Inside Me" —shutupyoucicadas
It's a good sign they're showing an interest in science and anatomy at a young age. As long as they stay away from experimenting for a couple more years. That would just be a recipe for disaster.
"You Don't Have To Put Yourself On The Naughty Step..."
"...you haven't done anything...yet!" —maximpostersyndrome
Or did they and they are self-punishing out of guilt? This is how early conditioning begins. We fear consequences before we even do something wrong.
"No, I Don't Think Baby Ostriches Are Particularly Afraid Of Mummies" —Desidiosus
Kids have wildly active imaginations, but sometimes they ask questions that have no logical sense. You can't but help but wonder what could have possibly made them think of it, let alone how to answer it.
