Tweets That Prove Kids Are Absolute Savages
Children—they're like small versions of us except they literally do not care about anything. You'd think that if you ask your kid nicely not to cause chaos, that they'd listen or something. But no, they do and say exactly what they want whenever they want.
Here are some times parents let us look in on the chaos that is raising kids. Because it truly is a chaos tornado mixed in with a lot of brutal honesty and dirty laundry.
This Kid Sounds Like A Real Adult
Someone get this kid an entry-level job, a clip-on tie, and a basic savings plan at her local credit union because she's ready to jump right into adulthood. I personally can't wait for her to discover the joys of a good car sob.
A Foreboding Family Tree
What a great way to know if your kid might potentially grow up to be a serial killer or not. And their first targets might be a little closer to home than you thought...? I'm only joking (in case the kid is listening).
Adult Birthdays Are Canceled From Now On
Personally, I like "life is a highway" a little bit better than "life is a waterslide where you die at the end." Also, I would definitely love it if my kid didn't point out exactly where I was on that path.
If You're Gonna Call Me Fat Just Do It Already
Wow, what a sweet way for this kid to absolutely demolish their father's self-esteem in one fell swoop. Normally, we go to the gym or watch reality TV to get this kind of ego-check, but I'm glad that this kid can dish out this kind of heartfelt brutal honesty for free.
This Kid Could Be A Doctor
Cold and flu season, have you met the ultimate defense: a well-licked hand? Actually, it probably has met a well-licked hand, and after that meeting, the flu was probably stronger than ever.
Like Father, Like Daughter
Family dinners should be 100% full of family bonding—even if it isn't ribs night. Just because pork chops are slightly neater and you "can" eat them with cutlery and a shirt on, that doesn't mean you have to.
Perfect Time To Share This Little Secret
Hey, there's no time like the present to start telling people the truth and getting real about your hygiene habits. I'm sure the father would've loved this kid telling him this from 10 inches away before putting his hands all over his face.
Because Every Parent Loves To Be Reminded Of Aging
I love that this kid has the honestly of a plastic surgeon and the emotional intelligence of a sociopath. Just keep describing how your mom's face looks and I'm sure you'll figure out why the lines look angry.
"YOLO" Isn't Supposed To Go Like This
He truly is raising ladies, because we're living in modern times here, and women shouldn't be forced to act according to one prescribed set of gender roles. Maybe just don't fart on people's heads, though. That's more of a "society" thing than a "gender" thing.
Genes—The Ultimate Insult
To be fair, if my dad told me this, I'd immediately be suspicious and offended. I'd ask him to please, for the love of God, specify which parts. Then I would hope he doesn't mean the "fall asleep at 8 p.m. still watching TV" part.
I Would've Loved To Be In This Conference Call
I'm really digging the transparency in the relationship, because this will only prepare this kid for college when they inevitably have a roommate who drunkenly does the exact same thing.
Looking Ahead
This kid is being way too honest about how they're forecasting their parents' future. There's something to be said for not jumping for joy when you hear that your parents are fighting, but hey, who am I to judge?
School Is Just Free Babysitting
Yeah, honestly, no parent cares what you do in school as long as they don't get a call at noon asking them to come in and pick their kid up because they were fighting another kid.
Save That Awkward Question For Mall Santa
I'm going to use this on my own kids. Anytime there's an awkward birds and bees question that health class somehow didn't answer, it's straight to the mall we go to traumatize mall Santa.
No Child Of Mine Will Read The Terms And Conditions
This kid will either be the president or will be a serial killer. There is no way anyone who's not...exceptional reads the terms and conditions. It's a good day if I can even hit the button to check that little box in a timely manner.
It Feels So Nice To Be Respected
You want to ask whether they meant "cool"...because they had to have meant "cool," right? They really like and respect you and forgot the word for that and are just freaking out, right?
Are Kids More Stable Than Us?
Yep. This just proves that kids go all-in for not only embarrassing us, but also for making important life decisions. They're just like crazier tinier versions of us that are also somehow more emotionally stable.
...Is There Something You Need To Tell Me?
There's gotta be a couple of follow-up questions to this one, since no kid just "wants" Nicorette. Normally, kids at least wait until high school to start smoking behind your back.
Not The Thing You'd Want To Hear From A 4-Year-Old
I'm sure their parents aren't loving the fact they can't read yet, but I'm glad this kid is looking for a silver lining in the whole thing. And they're doing it while holding onto the spirit of Christmas.
To Them, We're Old As Dirt
What a fun little reminder that time is passing and we're aging with it. We can almost remember our youth in the good ol' days—fish were just beginning to grow legs. What a time.
"The Last Number"
I get that time is a hard thing for kids to grasp, but could they please start at least understanding that the couple of decades we are older than them doesn't make us vintage models?! Wine and cheese are better older, right???
This Kid Should Be A Judge On American Idol
What a polite way to let a person down gently that their voice is like razor blades to your eardrums. I love the polite question that just stabs right through this parent's confidence they were getting from listening to "Walking On Sunshine" on repeat.
Tough Logic
Okay, this is true, but let's alter our perspective on the issue again. Sure, we're the best and the worst dad in the house, but we are also the only dad.
This Was Cute
These are some adorable words being shared between these two, and I'm glad we got to witness this special moment between mother and baby. Too bad the baby is, in fact, a baby, and they like to ruin the moment with something, whether it's vomit, poop, or calling their mom old.
I Wake Up Tired These Days
If this isn't some motivation to change up your caffeination schedule, then I'm not completely sure what is. Or, maybe try getting an adequate amount of sleep. Oh wait, I forgot they're a parent and that's impossible.
Thanks For Ruining A Food
It's only 10% of unidentifiable edible meat pulp, though. Cling to that fact and just hope that it's chicken feet or pig snout and not the obvious word association that your kid thinks it is.
Burning Hatred Is A Feeling
To be fair, this is how most kids feel about kids of the other gender at this age. They either have cooties, ruin their lives, or are absolute monsters who wouldn't share the Lego set.
"Either Me Or The Cat" Backfired
Parents, never, and I mean never, ask your child to choose between you and the family pet. They will sell you down the river in a heartbeat in favor of good old Fluffy.
Gotta Stay Vigilant About Cooties
What a great way to push an entire gender under the bus without saying more than four words. I haven't seen it done so efficiently in a while since, usually, it takes a few editions of the same old book.
Feeling Pigeonholed At Home?
Real nice. I'm glad that this mom is getting type-casted even in her own home. Hey, at least she's got experience in the position...though, I'm sure she would've appreciated a little bit of a break.
Depends What You Want To Be Known For
At least you know between the two kids you'll never be stuck in or out of a room as long as they are both with you. That's almost a superpower.
That's A Good Life Skill
Not only will that life skill come in handy when this kid is dealing with their dad, but also in any situation where someone is going on and on about something they don't care about.
"I'm Never Helping With Homework Again"
This kid has been dealing with metaphors their whole life, they just weren't aware of it yet. They're going to make an excellent writer someday at the expense of everyone they love.
Logan Has A Point
There is a certain time in a child's life when you can't expect them to notice anything positive about you because they haven't finished learning those social skills yet.
The Motto Of Children Everywhere
There is a part of me that thinks that we should all hold onto this mentality a little bit as an adult. Like, I gotta worry about me, sorry 'bout it!
You'll Be Friends Again Someday
There comes this moment in pretty much every child's life where they realize that their mom was their best friend this whole time even though they did have other friends.
These Are The Questions That Need To Be Asked
It's amazing that children are so very aware of the fact evil people aren't just born, they come from some kind of terrible trauma to make them that way. Hopefully, it will help them live better lives.
You Can Always Count On Kids
When it comes to narrowing down the things that make you the most insecure about yourself, you can count on children to remind you about them every single day at all times.
Their Future Is Decided
It's an amazing thing to see your children realize their full potential in life. This kid was obviously meant to be internet famous, just like his dad. Or, in his own mind anyway.
It's A Fair Point
It is true that parents wouldn't exist without children, so they should technically get some kind of candy or something on Mother's Day and Father's Day. Like, it's hard to argue with that logic.
