These Tweets About Marriage Are Brutal And Hilarious At The Same Time
Marriage is a wonderful institution full of love and lifelong friendship and sleepovers every night, but it's also perhaps the most annoying contract you will ever enter into. You have to put up with so much, and your partner can annoy you for days on end. There are moments of marriage that are absolutely beautiful and wonderful, and then there are moments that make you want to pull your hair out.
Keep reading to see some of the best tweets about marriage on the internet.
Dating Vs. Marriage
Those of who you aren't married out there, you should know that dating is a scam. Both parties are so much nicer in the dating phase. Then you get married and things get petty real fast.
Staying Married Is Hard
Is there anything more stressful than an IKEA trip with your spouse? You get lost in a maze with no way out, you have to squeeze your way through crowds of families, and you can never agree on a bed frame.
A Game With No Winners
There are many ways to do things, but when you're married, there is only one way, and it's your wife's way. Just get used to it. This fact only becomes more true during a national lockdown.
The Soundtrack To Your Life
You should really spend a good amount of time with the person you're thinking of settling down with before you agree to marry them. Otherwise, you could end up with a loud chewer.
Opposites Attract
They do say that opposites attract. It seems like the kind of opposites that attract are the kind that differ on issues of cleanliness and packing habits. It makes married life pretty difficult.
The Toothpaste Dilemma
There is a right way and a wrong way to squeeze toothpaste out of a tube. The right way leaves little mess on the counter. The wrong way does the opposite.
An Amazon Problem
Does this woman have an Amazon addiction? That could very well be the case. But hey, we're in lockdown, and getting things delivered to our doorstep is literally the only thing helping us get by right now.
The Next Level
There are certain levels you reach as you progress through a marriage. The first level is the honeymoon stage. You're deep in puppy love and everything is coming up roses. This tweet is describing stage 5, three years in.
This Is What True Love Looks Like
If you have to get up at 5 a.m., at least have the common courtesy to get up the first time your alarm goes off. Nobody needs to hear that thing go off four times.
The Kiss Of Death
There are some offenses in a marriage that are just too egregious to get over. This is one of those offenses. This woman didn't sign up for a marriage to Ned Flanders.
Take Your Adult Medicine
What is it about men when they get sick that makes them forget how to function as a human being? Flavored medicine doesn't exist for adults. It never has. Grow up.
Personal Reasons
Look, this woman has her reasons for mildly annoying her husband for the next seven days. You don't need to know what those reasons are. They're personal reasons. He might want to take baths for the next little while, though.
Always With The Comments
There's that one phrase your wife always says in an exasperated voice that just pushes your buttons in all the wrong ways. I think we just learned what that phrase is for this guy.
The Curse Of The Man Cold
Well, it looks like the man cold strikes again. This guy is right. Having a bad cold is way less painful than living with a man who has a cold.
A Relationship Based On Reciprocity
Look, you have to give and take when you're in a marriage. When your husband finally steps up and puts a new roll of toilet paper on the holder, that means you might just have to stop touching him with your cold feet for a night.
It's The Petty Things
I didn't even know that a toaster had settings that could be adjusted, but apparently, this guy likes his toast just-so. Be careful around this woman. You never know when she's going to strike.
Must. Stay. Awake.
I'm sorry, husbands of the world, but there is no movie in existence that will keep your wife's attention past 10 p.m. You're just going to have to come to terms with the fact that she's going to fall asleep 20 minutes in.
The Way To A Woman's Heart
If a woman doesn't fall in love with you after you make her a grilled cheese sandwich with butter spread all the way to the edges, you're chasing the wrong woman.
The Worst Offense
The absolute worst office offense is microwaving fish in a communal microwave. There is absolutely no reason to microwave fish. It tastes just as bad cold as it does hot. Just eat it cold.
Unfrosted Pop-Tarts
Why do unfrosted Pop-Tarts even exist? Sure, they're marginally healthier, but they're still not healthy. You're still eating garbage for breakfast. You might as well go all out and get the frosting at that point.
The Wrong Way To Eat Spaghetti
There is a right way and a wrong way to eat spaghetti. With a spoon is definitely the wrong way. How is it even possible to eat spaghetti with a spoon?
It's All Wrong
It seems like your spouse is always telling you that you're doing something wrong. That wrong thing could be the way you brush your hair or the way you put your clothes in the closet. Or it could just be the way you live your life in general.
Teach Them Young
It looks like this mother-in-law didn't follow her own advice. Or maybe she just knows from experience that you have to teach them young because she tried to teach her kid when he was older and it obviously didn't work.
Iced Coffee = Love
If you want a woman to find you sexy, go out into the world and hunt her down a delicious, cold, caffeinated beverage. Then bring it back to her. If she doesn't kiss you, she's not the one.
The Only Way
There may be different ways of folding towels, but in your household, there is only one way. Spoiler alert: it's her way. It's pretty much the way you were folding towels before only completely different.
An Independent Woman
Husbands exist for a couple of reasons. One of those reasons is to open pickle jars. If pickle companies start making pickle jars easier to open, men had better watch out.
Another One
As DJ Khaled might say, "another one." You can never have too many bottles of champagne. Sometimes you just want to celebrate every day of the week. What's wrong with that?
A Whole Presentation
She doesn't have one annoying habit. She has enough annoying habits to fill an entire PowerPoint presentation. She can't be mad, though. She literally asked for this. He just delivered.
The Answer Is Yes
If this tweet isn't the definition of marriage, then I don't know what is. Everything bothers you about the other person, but you stick around anyway because you promised (and because you love them, of course).
What's On Channel 5?
This wife got annoyed at her husband for walking around without a shirt on all day. Can he not be naked in his own house if he wants to be? No. The answer is no.
