The Most Dad Tweets To Ever Grace Twitter
These tweets about and by dads might be the most dad statements we have ever read. They might as well be wearing khaki shorts and holding their hand to their brow to block the sun at their kid's soccer game. These jokes and funny stories will ring true to anybody who's ever caught their dad saying "yyyyello" while answering the phone or just being a total dad in every way, shape, and form.
Keep reading for the best that Twitter has to offer.
Dads Do Be Knowing Directions, Though
I literally cannot get from my house to my place of work that I go to every single day without a GPS system. Dads can somehow drive across state lines without looking at a map once.
Who?
If you say, "Hey Dad, is it okay if I go to Katie's tonight?" and he doesn't say "who's Katie?" is he even your dad? This is true even if you've known Katie since kindergarten.
Merry Christmas To You Too
"Thanks, Mom and Dad, I really wanted one of these." Then Dad whispers to Mom, "What is it?" and you know he had nothing to do with picking out that hair straightener.
Ready To Rock And Roll
Why does every dad in the world say this? Do they think they're going to a literal rock concert? Did all dads everywhere get a memo about this particular phrase?
Mamma Mia!
Look, we have to give it to the dad on this one. Mamma Mia! is a stupid movie. Maybe he hates it so much because at the end Sophie lets three guys be her dad. There can only be one dad.
Don't Touch The Thermostat
Dads and telling you not to touch the thermostat go together like peanut butter and jelly. They like the temperature the way they like it. Don't mess with their warmth.
Scarier Than Mom?
This dad knows exactly how to get his kid to go to sleep. Monsters might be scary, but they're imaginary. A sleep-deprived mom is very real. These two are on the same page.
Dad Tax
Dads will go to great lengths to claim their dad tax. If you don't give them that Oh Henry bar they might just scare the living daylights out of you.
The Dad Race
Dads can't resist a good dad joke, even if it hurts their chances of winning a 5k race. Sometimes dads just have to get on the floor and pretend to be in pain when a loud popping sound happens.
Those Loud Dad Sneezes
Dads are incapable of sneezing quietly. They have to sneeze at the top of their lungs, or they don't sneeze at all. Quiet sneezes aren't an option if you're a male with children.
Christmas With Dad
This doesn't just happen at Christmas. This happens with birthday presents, too. All dads love to be in charge of collecting discarded wrapping paper. It's their thing.
Fashion Show! Fashion Show!
Dad doesn't care in the slightest what clothes you wear unless they're too revealing. Then he might tell you to go upstairs and change, but even then, it's an unenthusiastic response.
Early To Rise...
Dads wake up at 5:30 a.m., clean the house, get a bunch of work done, mow the lawn and wake everyone else up with the sound of the lawnmower, and then they're asleep by 8 a.m.
Search The House
This one is a tweet by a dad for dads. As much grief as we give dads for being so dad-like, they do have to put up with stuff like this from their kids.
Shake Those M&Ms
Why do dads always have to shake peanuts or M&M's or peanut M&M's in their hand before they eat them? Do they just like the sound? Does the motion release more flavor?
How Lunches Evolve
Dads start out the school year strong. They go all-out with a triangular cut sandwich, add fruit and snacks, and even a cute note. But by the end of the year, they're too tired for anything fun.
Dessert On The Brain
This kid is always thinking about dessert. He could be in the middle of eating dessert and he's still thinking about dessert tomorrow. Can we blame him? Dessert is delicious.
A Liquid Lunch
When we say a kid is having a liquid lunch, what we mean by that is that they're eating soup. This kid is technically right. Soup is wet. Is it too wet, though?
Not A Soccer Kid
Look, we can't all be jocks. Some of us are more into fantasy and science-fiction. The sooner this dad gets his head around that, the better. Maybe they can bond over zombies.
A Different Kind Of Chicken
This kid told his dad that he doesn't like pork. His dad's solution? Just tell the kid that the pork is chicken. Now the kid loves pork. This is a real parenting hack.
Personal Hygiene
Kids have no concept of personal hygiene. They think they can just go to the bathroom, not wash their hands after, and then touch you all over your face. It's kind of gross.
Burrito Tape
Do you know what? Burrito tape would actually be an amazing invention. I'm sure that it's possible to create burrito tape with our current food technology. Maybe she should get on that.
Hide And Seek
This kid hasn't yet figured out that you can totally see right through a chain-link fence. It's not the best hiding spot in the world. Maybe he needs to take some hide-and-seek lessons.
She's A Dragon
This girl isn't big and she isn't little, and she won't have anybody telling her who or what she is. She is a dragon and that's all there is to it.
Bow To The King
This is a 5-year-old who clearly has a lot going on in his life. He has a whole fantasy family history and a kingdom he has to rule. That's a lot of pressure for a little guy.
Make A Wish
When you wish upon a star, make sure it's the Death Star. If you've seen Star Wars, you know that's the star that will make all of your dreams come true (or the opposite of that).
Naming A Baby
You don't realize how many enemies you have until you try to name a kid. Then it's all, "it can't be Jeremy. Jeremy told the teacher I cheated off of his test in high school when really I just actually had to sneeze."
Parents Who Troll
From this tweet, it's clear that parents who troll together stay together. Are they traumatizing their kids? Maybe. But it's all in good fun. Well, it's fun for the parents, and that's what counts.
The Rest Of The Meatball
Sometimes, truth comes out of the mouths of babes, and sometimes, when that happens, meatballs come out of the mouths of dads. Meatballs are a mystery. We should let them stay that way.
He's Up Now
Look, we get that this kid wants to be independent, but there's a strong chance that if he tries to operate the oven by himself, he's going to burn the whole house down.
