The Best Tweets About Parenting From Sarcastic Mommy
Raising a human being and being a parent can be a lot of different things, but no one ever said it was going to be easy. As long as you're able to approach every situation with a good sense of humor, though, you'll (probably) make it out alive.
Twitter account @sarcasticmommy4, who is a mother to four boys, understands that you have to laugh at whatever your kids throw your way, and she wants you to laugh along with her.
Take The Quiet Where You Can
As much as you love your toddler, you don't love them enough to excuse the fact that they always barge in on you in the bathroom or knock on the door when you're in the shower. Is nothing private anymore?
He's Got The Right Idea
Look, at least he's keeping his expectations in check. He knows he can't get out of going to school, but that doesn't mean he's happy about it. Quite frankly, it's considerate of him to let you know he's going to throw a tantrum.
It's A Slippery Slope
Don't even bother asking what happens to the kids if you reach four or more, because no one knows. The other three kids can be responsible for feeding the fourth one.
And They Say Romance Is Dead
Anything can count as a date when you're out in public with your spouse and you don't have the children with you. Don't be picky about it. Just sit back and enjoy watching other parents deal with their children having meltdowns in public.
The Empty Nester's Bucket List
You can dream all you want, but the only thing that guarantees achieving these three things is time. Some day, you'll be able to drink your coffee before it gets cold, but that day isn't today.
He Needs To Work On His Timing
Look at the silver lining: at least he's telling you about the important documents before it's too late. He could've left them at the bottom of his backpack for weeks until that permission slip was well past the due date.
You Can't Argue With Science
If you hide in your room or go for a drive around dinner time, there's a good chance that every family member will start to fend for themselves, and you'll get out of cooking.
WebMD Can't Be Trusted Anyway
Any time that you get sick as a parent or something starts to ache or you have a mysterious ailment, you might as well just chalk it up to your children being the cause and move on.
Tupperware Math Hits Different
Tupperware math is a whole different type of math, and that math doesn't make any actual sense. Someone is always going to misplace a lid or lose two containers at school, leaving you with a mismatched set for the next five years.
Not Everyone Makes It Out Of Quarantine Alive
Just because you started quarantine with six members of your family does not mean that you're going to end it with six. Your kids can barely survive the car ride to their grandma's, how will they make it through months at home with only each other?
It's Time For An Adventure
As an adult, there's nothing you look forward to more than curling up in bed at the end of a long day and going to sleep, but for children, sleep is the enemy. They'll do whatever they can to prolong bedtime.
More Like "Sunday Scaries"
Weekends are supposed to be the time to relax and decompress from a long week, but usually, they're spent frantically catching up on everything you couldn't get done in the previous five days.
Those Little Vultures Are Always Circling
They can't hear you when you repeatedly call their name while they're watching a movie, but you can bet your kids are going to hear you unwrap that candy bar in the kitchen even if they're on another floor.
A Gold Star For You
You want to praise him for unloading the dishwasher so that he keeps doing it and keeps being helpful, but seriously, how much positive reinforcement does one adult man need on a daily basis?
Moms Can Find Anything
If something ever goes missing at home, your mom will be able to find it. Moms develop some sort of super searching power after their children are born, it's just science.
Accept The Little Wins
Did every kid make it to school with their shoes on the right feet and all of their homework finished? Maybe not, but everyone is there and still has all their limbs. What more do you want?
Tossing Him Into The Deep End
There comes a time in every man's life when he has to learn to fly the nest and survive without his wife. He needs to be able to make the decision about which milk to buy without phoning home.
There's Always An Ulterior Motive
No matter how many times they claim they did it "just because," you should know there's a reason they cleaned that kitchen. They might not even know what it is yet, but it'll make itself known soon.
Request Denied
All requests can be taken as suggestions according to children. If your child doesn't want to do something, there's a good chance that it's not going to get done, and there's nothing you can do about it.
You'll Never Sleep Well Again
Do you enjoy being woken up all hours of the night to deal with problems that absolutely do not matter at that moment? If so, parenting might be the right choice for you!
The Realities Of Online Learning
That'll teach him not to leave his room looking like a pig sty and not to leave his mic unmuted while on Zoom. Killed two birds with one stone, plus you got to embarrass him a little, which is always fun.
Just Return Him In One Piece
After a few playdates, you won't feel bad about dumping your kid on the new strangers next door. Instead, you can feel bad about sending your kid over to the friendly neighbors' house.
It's A Thankless Job
Parenting is a rewarding job in the grand scheme because you love your children and they love you, and you get to shape little humans and watch them grow into adults. But on a daily basis? Don't expect too much praise.
Those Pesky Golden Arches
If you really want to enjoy your time as a parent, never introduce your children to McDonald's. Don't tell them about the golden arches that serve Happy Meals and ice cream, and change the channel when the commercials come on.
You're Never Too Old To Spend Someone Else's Money
There is never going to be a time in your child's life, no matter how old they are, where they tell you that they don't want you to pay for something. Free money is always nice.
Mom Is Always The Go-To
The second you establish yourself as the parent who makes the good snacks and the parent who is able to find anyone's missing shoe, you're never going to be able to shake that title. You'll always be the go-to parent.
Get To The Point Already
As much as you want to hear about your kid's day at school, these children really need to learn to get to the point. You don't need to know the background of every side character and classmate he encountered that day in response to "what did you learn today?"
The Due Date Is The Do Date
It seems like a perfectly reasonable time to do all your homework, if you ask us. They have full access to you and you're definitely not doing anything important (like driving).
Work With What You've Got
Why waste your money on buying separate juice or some form of mix for your own drinks when you could buy juice boxes in bulk and use them when you need them?
Shots Might Be Frowned Upon
Those classroom parties or kid's birthday parties would be a heck of a lot more fun if parents were allowed to bring Jell-O shots. The kids never even need to know about it.
