Funny Tweets About Marriage That Remind Us That Love Is Truly Unconditional
"Till death do us part" is a pretty intense vow to take with someone, and marriage is not always sunshine and rainbows. It's like having a lifelong roommate who you have to make every major decision with, and, naturally, you can get on each others' nerves.
Despite the bad moments, it's all love at the end of it all, and these people perfectly summed up the weird nuances of what it's like to be married.
The Items Get All Mixed Up After They're Scanned Anyway, Honey
On one hand, I can see where he's coming from, but as a fellow conveyor-belt-organizer, I have to stand with his wife. I don't know why it has to be perfect, but it gives me internal peace.
It Was Just A Disclaimer Before You Accept The Terms And Conditions
It literally wouldn't matter if there was an electrical fire in my kitchen, a full-on flood in the basement, or a major medical issue going on: if the kids are gone and you suggest it, I will not say no.
So It Was Written And So It Shall Be Done
It's one of those rules that might not be legally enforced, but it is so engrained into our society that it would be a fool's mission to challenge it. Just don't touch her fries.
Husbands Be Like "Where's The Remote?" While Holding It
I swear things will be invisible due to some supernatural force when I am looking for it, but the second I ask for help, the item appears in front of me and I look like an idiot.
Run And Never Look Back
When it comes to cleaning out all the clutter you own, sometimes you just make the judgment call that your partner, who hasn't used the item in over a decade, will not miss it. Sometimes they actually end up missing it.
Alexa, Play "You're Beautiful" By Christina Aguilera
Remember the early days in your relationship when you and your significant other couldn't help but fawn over each other's cuteness? That dies pretty soon after you start living together.
Your Permanent Partner In Complaining
They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder, but I believe that the true way to grow your bond with a loved one is to be annoyed by the same things in public.
It's An Ongoing Battle To Be More Exhausted
Remember that one kid in school who always had to one-up others whenever they told a story about themselves? That's marriage, except now you're both just fighting to have the complaining rights.
How Dare You Sacrifice Me Like That?
This woman's husband might as well have baited a grizzly bear to their location using a chunk of meat and then left her alone to fend for herself the second he was bored.
I Self-Identify As The Rookie
Forget the antiquated "who wears the pants in the relationship?" question: I want to know which one of you had to sit the other down for a lecture about the dangers of attempting parkour.
She Has A Sixth Sense
It's gotten to the point where my wife won't even be at home, but I still can hear her in my head chewing me out for leaving a spoon on the countertop.
You Don't Know What You've Got 'Til It's Gone
This is a public service announcement to all the non-parents who are single: enjoy it while you can. One day, the only moments of peace you will feel are the minutes you spend going to the bathroom.
He Probably Got Distracted By Ice Cream
In a perfect world, every marriage would be comprised of two self-sufficient people just hanging out forever. However, this world isn't perfect, and we need to maintain codependence. The second my wife understands how to fix the air pressure on her tires, she'll leave me.
What Would Make You Think That?
Marriage is essentially the same sense of panic you felt when you heard your mom's car pulling into the driveway and you remembered that you forgot to defrost the chicken, but even worse because you're "an adult."
Okay, That Settles It
If both of our ability to remember things is already this depleted, I can't imagine how disastrous and chaotic our lives will be when we reach age 90 and get dementia.
Suddenly, He's Bringing Home Flowers
There are two designated roles in every single marriage: the person who remembers all of the things and the person who remembers none of the things (including their own birthday).
Addams Family Was Actually Goals
All I want in life is to have a love as powerful as this couple and have a daughter that turns out to be as witty and cool as Wednesday.
Pragmatism Over Passion
Sometimes I see those online couples who constantly send each other really cute texts, which is good for them, but all me and wife text about is who's in charge of dinner.
Suddenly The Internet Is Worthless To Me
Some people are smart enough to strategically plan their wedding date coincide with a major holiday—like my parents who were married on New Year's Day—but I was not one of them.
I'm Too Afraid To Ask What She's Buying
I don't know why she will be spending over an hour on Amazon, but I have learned that it's just easier to let her do her thing and sit quietly next to her.
Positive Reinforcement Training Works!
Much like how dogs will learn how to do tricks and behave as desired by feeding them treats when they do a good job, a husband has to receive positive reinforcement too!
It Is My Only Place Of Peace
I don't know how men as a whole decided that sitting on the toilet for 30 minutes to an hour while playing games on our phones was a thing, but it is my version of meditation: let me have it!
Excuse Me, But This Isn't The Person I Agreed To Marry
One of my greatest fears in life is that my wife will just wake up one day and decide that we need to start running marathons together. I will have to leave her.
"Being An Adult Means You Can Choose What You Wear"
![[getting ready to go out] Wife: what are you wearing? Husband: This. W: (nothing) H: Not this. Wife: Good guess](https://www.dadpatrol.com/wp-content/uploads/2020/02/Screen-Shot-2020-02-19-at-11.23.40-AM-74964.jpg?width=480 "what are you wearing")
In defense of wives everywhere, I will admit that most of us men would be lost and horribly underdressed for events without them. From the first time she told me to put on jeans instead of sweats, I have had no control.
This Is The Most Romantic Gift Of All Time
Long gone are the days of "you are my moon and sun," "my perfect other half," and blah blah blah. If you don't hate each other at least 75% of the time, your marriage is doing great.
It Is Kind Of Wack Though
Marriage is truly just the push and pull of compromises. She needed to go to the museum; he wanted to be on a different level of existence. Neither is having a good time.
Earplugs Are More Important Than Rings
It's all fun and games until you fall in love with someone who snores loudly and twitches in their sleep, making it nearly impossible for you to get a good night's rest.
Sometimes It Just Be Like That
Not only is your spouse your partner in all of your life choices, but they're also your roommate. Sometimes you just need to revert to cheap, passive-aggressive tactics to remain sane.
The Bed Is My One True Love
Remember the good ol' days in your relationship where you would feel lonely if you couldn't sleep next to your significant other? Now I celebrate at any opportunity to not fight for the duvet.
The Tiniest Thing Can Escalate Into A Screaming Match
It might start off with a spatula, but it will move onward to topics such as "working too many hours," "I can't stand your parents," and end in "it's like you never even loved me!"
