The Funniest Things Parents Have Heard From Childless People Around Them
You may have spent a lot of time around children, helped to raise your younger siblings, or even spent your high school years making your pocket money through hours of babysitting, but until you have children of your own, you don't know what you're in for.
If you're the first one in your friend group to have children, you'll quickly learn just how little the people around you who are child-free actually know about children. That's how you end up hearing comments like "Can't you just tell the baby to move with your mind?"
A Puzzling Situation
"Recently, we were visiting our friends, who are child-free by choice, but they really love my kid.
"When the guy heard my kid is into puzzles, he brought her a 1000 pieces Kiss by G. Klimt set. She is three years old." —Reddit / Dosed123
A Nap Schedule Is Crucial
It turns out that sticking to a schedule is actually super important for parents if they want to have a happy child.
If you suddenly start skipping nap times, you're going to be left with chaos.
Smile For The Camera
"I was getting a passport when my daughter was 3 weeks old. I was getting one for her too, and the man said that I couldn't hold her, that she needed to sit up on her own.
"Mind you, my baby was also a month early, and at 3 weeks she weighed 6 pounds and was 18 inches. He literally argued with me that I couldn't hold her for the picture, and stormed off to get a manager." —Reddit / Ihaveaboobybaby
The Double Whammy Of Blissful Ignorance
"I foolishly thought I'd have all this free time during my mat leave year with my first child, and at one point even suggested to my husband that if we were ever to get a puppy, that would be the time because I'd be home to train it!
"(I've never owned a dog, so this was a double whammy of child and canine blissful ignorance.)" —Reddit / Chapnau
It Wasn't Quite The Summer She'd Planned
She had dreams of summer picnics in the sun, enjoying afternoons at the park with her new baby to relax and reflect.
Instead, she spent most afternoons at home, not sure when the last time she even left the house was.
The Telepathic Connection Of Mothers And Babies
"While I was pregnant, I was spending some time with a friend who had no children yet. At one point, I realized my baby hadn't moved as much as normal and I voiced my concerns to my friend saying I might need to go and get checked over.
"She said 'Can't you just tell the baby to move with your mind?' ...Like she thought babies and mothers are somehow telepathically linked and genuinely thought that I could make that happen." —Reddit / Minxmallow
Everyone Knows New Parents Are Always Well-Rested
We're going to give this person the benefit of the doubt and say that they clearly just weren't thinking before they spoke this morning.
Or they're seriously misguided if they're under the impression that a new mother will sleep more after the baby is born than she did while pregnant.
How Considerate Of Them!
"We went to a wedding when our baby was 2 months old and they had set a place at the table for her...
"Complete with a full set of metal cutlery and a highchair" —Reddit
That Doesn't Seem Efficient
"When I was on maternity leave, my boss at the time called to ask me if I can write an article for our website. My baby was 2 months old at the time, latched to my boob permanently, and crying inconsolably whenever not either breastfeeding or being rocked.
"When I told my boss I have to hold her all the time, the response was: 'OK, so hold her with one hand and type with the other one.'" —Reddit / Dosed123
Time To Blow Out Your Candle, Baby Boy
"My little boy's first birthday... my husband's aunt (who has a 31-year-old son herself) hands my baby a metal fork, then sits his cake right in front of him with a lit candle in it." —Reddit / Happy-Box1259
Maybe his aunt wasn't being clueless. It's quite possible she simply did not like this child.
Nothing Has To Change... Except Everything
So many expectant parents go into parenthood with the mentality that nothing in their lives is going to be different, but that's not the reality.
It's not a bad thing that your lives are changing, but they're definitely going to change.
Save The Deep Talks For Later
"My husband thought kids start talking at around 3 months.
"He even asked our friend joyfully whether her little fella at the time was already saying something funny, when the fella was like 4 MO." —Reddit / Dosed123
You've Got To Pick Your Battles
The more experienced of a parent you are, the more you realize that some things just simply aren't worth starting a fight over.
You know you're going to have to convince them to eat their broccoli at dinner, so let them build the couch cushion fort now.
You Can't Carry The Babies Forever
"When working on our baby shower registry, my husband couldn't understand the need for, 1. Strollers ("I’ll just carry my babies") and 2. Baby monitors ("if my babies cry I’ll just go check on them"). What makes it even funnier is that we were having twins.
"He sees the error in his ways." —Reddit / bobafettwheremc
Advanced Notice Is Always Needed
"My favorite is when friends used to hit me up at like 7 at night asking me to come out THAT NIGHT.
"And they would then be shocked I couldn't just 'get someone to watch the baby.'" —Reddit / kay37892
Pretty Much Any Parent With A Toddler Would Debate This
We would love to take a look at whatever article this person grabbed this piece of information from, and then we'd like to question their research.
While it would be great if parents were never tired because they were so energized by their tiny tots, that's not the norm.
The Kids Can Entertain Themselves At Any Age
"My favorite is one said by my husband. When my daughter was born, I worked part-time from home. As she got older and more mobile (around 5–6 months), it got so much harder to work, since sometimes I had to be on conference calls and try to entertain her at the same time. My husband said, 'Don't worry, it’ll get easier when she’s around 12 months old and you can just sit her down for an hour or two with a coloring book.'
"She's 3 now, and I remind him of that comment every so often." —Reddit / ada_grace_1010
Just Tell Her Not To Hurt Herself
"When I was expressing concern about sharp corners on planters in the garden for our little girl who had just learned to walk a friend at the time said 'just tell her to stay away from them.'" —Reddit / Bing-Bong89
That's a simple answer—why didn't she think of that? Just explain it to your toddler using words.
There's No Relaxing On This Vacation
In what world would anyone think that a woman staying home with two children and a newborn baby would qualify as a vacation?
She'll barely have enough time to shower on a daily basis or drink a cup of coffee, let alone renew a license for work.
The Baby Would Never Even Know
"My mate thought it was genuinely OK to pop out for a bit whilst your baby was having a nap. I think her example was going out for a meal." —Reddit / rsjf89
Yes, because there are never any problems with babies sleeping. That's why baby monitors don't exist.
Babies Don't Understand The "Sleeping In" Concept
Oh, if only babies were respectful of the weekends and gave their parents the opportunity to sleep in on a Saturday or Sunday morning!
Life would be much easier for all parents if that were the case. At least she got a good laugh out of it to bring her some joy.
She'll Bounce Right Out Of The Chair
"When I was pregnant and picking out bouncers, my husband asked 'is this really necessary? Why can't we just put the baby in a chair?'" —Reddit / Trepidatious681
You're going to be a few years out from letting your child sit in a normal chair.
She's A Baby, Not A Dog
A 10-month-old baby probably isn't even speaking or walking properly yet, but you think that she's going to know enough to come when she's called?
If only it were that simple! If babies progressed in the same ways as dogs, we'd be golden.
Events Must Be Over By 11 P.M., Not Starting Then
"'It'll be fun, you can just get a babysitter!'
"Yeah, let me get right on finding a babysitter on 3 hours notice so I can leave my bottle-refusnik 2-month-old baby to come to a concert that starts at 11 p.m." —Reddit / InannasPocket
Lesson Has Definitely Been Learned
Whoever they said this to has earned the right to remind them of it when it came to them having their own children.
Sure, there are some people who make things harder than they need to be in life, but parenthood in general is hard no matter how good you are at it.
"That's How Babies Manipulate The Parents"
"In the hospital, I just had a baby and was struggling to breastfeed. I went to the washroom and when I came out, my ex was feeding my newborn applesauce. FREAKING APPLESAUCE. She was only hours old and 4 weeks premature.
"Also, he told me that I needed to wait for my 5-month-old to calm down and self-soothe before I fed her her bottle because when a baby cries when they are hungry that's how they manipulate the parents." —Reddit / Life_with_lemonz
The Perfect Time To Go Back To School
"Someone I know suggested doing using maternity leave to do your masters." —Reddit / Ninotchk
Of all the times in your life that you should commit your free time to pursuing higher education, the months after your baby is first born probably isn't the right time.
There Are No Days Off
Even if you weren't in quarantine and not able to leave your home, you still wouldn't be able to just take a day off from being a parent.
It's a full-time, 24/7 job, especially when you live and work in the same place.
A Great Suggestion In Theory
"My favorite: 'Just sleep when the baby sleeps' LOL, sure thing." —Reddit / katykat97
This sounds like a solid suggestion in theory, but if you sleep every time the baby sleeps, there will be no clean laundry to dress the baby with, and you'll never have a chance to feed yourself or do anything else you need to do in a day.
Those Swollen Feet Are No Joke
"I was pregnant at the time and working in a kitchen. My general manager caught me sitting down while prepping some potatoes for service and said, 'It must be nice to get to laze around whenever you want.'
"It took all of my will to not say something snarky." —Reddit / Ginger_feline0311
