Be Thankful Your Kid Doesn’t Own Any Of These Mildly Disturbing Toys
I'm not pointing any fingers, but some of these toy designers clearly went to work in a bad mood. Maybe their car payments didn't go through, or maybe their kid threw up in the car again on the way to school. Either way, they walked into the job with a penchant for destruction and the desire to scare the crap out of us.
Here are some toys for kids that definitely terrified the adults who purchased them. Do they make kids happy? Who cares? All I know is if these were in my kid's toy box I wouldn't sleep again.
He's A Man-Pony, Not A Centaur, Don't Get It Confused
Tardy the man-pony is sick of being called a centaur, because clearly he's not one. Personally, I don't care what he is because all I can focus on is that he looks exactly like my accountant. Minus the pony body.
"A Toy Horse For Children I Found In Brazil. It's Real Goat Skin"
First of all, I want to start by saying that I respect the time and effort someone put into making this. Now that that's out of the way, I'd also like to say this horse with its Frankenstein body makes me want off the planet.
Just Looking At This Doll Gave Me Back Problems
Literally nobody in the history of ever has wished that their doll could somehow grow its spine as if it's going through puberty. The reason why is probably because Skipper looks like her first question at a job interview will be "does the insurance package offer chiropractic care?"
This Is The Baby-Inception Nobody Asked For
It's a baby within a baby, just in case you really wanted to solidify tonight's nightmare that's already forming in your subconscious. Nobody asked for this matryoshka doll of infant pregnancy, and literally nobody was messed up enough to make something like this. Until now.
Try To Swallow Your Vomit When You See The "Shave The Baby"
Did you really think that the pregnant baby was as bad as it could get? It's truly a toss-up for which is worse, but I think the baby with more crack hair than the 80-year-old at open swim at the YMCA has a good chance at being the most nightmarish.
Start Teaching Your Kids About Russain Roulette Early
You don't want your kid to grow up being confused about what's going on at the Russain roulette party and having to embarrassingly ask how to play. Start them off early with a little low-consequence version.
We Could Make Sweet Music On This
If you got your kid this instrument in the hopes that they're going to grow up to be a musician, you should lower your expectations a little. Because the only music they're going to be making is loud discordant screams.
Babies Are Apparently Furry And Have Rave-Eyes
This baby looks like me on a Friday night at 4 a.m. rolling into whatever fast food place is beside the bar I was just sweating in. My eyes are dilated, I've got one hair extension hanging on for dear life, and I'm covered in some sort of weird fuzz and liquid that I'm going to haphazardly dab at with a Lysol wipe before passing out.
Legs For Days
I'm disturbed that someone would go to the trouble of dismantling this thing, but I'm glad they did. Once again, toys are setting unrealistic body expectations for our children. Internal organs make you beautiful and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.
I Can't Watch The Dark Knight Again After Seeing This
Okay, Batman, you can go ahead and stop making movies now, please. I can't believe this squirt gun is an actual piece of merch. It must be from the dark days of Adam West...sorry, Adam.
What Kind Of Sick Marketer Thought A Baby In A Box Was A Good Idea?
Clearly, whoever designed the packaging for this product doesn't have lungs, because the concept of a baby suffocating is something that never even crossed their mind. I really hate the way the one is staring at me accusingly like I was the one who put it in there.
Definitive Proof Of Crab People
I get what they're trying to do here—I really do—but at the same time, they absolutely need to stop. I'm feeling a little "crabbie" myself looking at this abomination.
A Kid's Car For Getting From A To B In Your Nightmares
Look how happy this baby is to be scooting right into the nightmares of her parents! She's riding dirty on the foot/head/cyclops/teeth/brain/ear-mobile that undoubtedly runs solely on the fear of those who witness it. That's called being eco-friendly.
These Wonderful Scissors Don't Cut It
I understand the design, I truly do. They wanted to get the legs looking like they're opening, and they definitely accomplished that. Next time, they should consider whether they want her internal organs to part like the red sea as well, because I'm getting a groin tear just looking at this.
This Mermaid Is Definitely From The Deep, Scary Parts Of The Ocean
This glow-in-the-dark mermaid has crawled straight out of the depths of the ocean to tell you that she accidentally sucked the soul out of Ariel. If my kid suddenly wanted to take baths with this thing, I'd just cancel bath time.
Because Every Child Wants Their Own Torture Chamber
Baby's first torture chamber never looked so realistic. Listen, I'm not going to tell you that you shouldn't buy your child this because, at the end of the day, you're the parent. However, if you do, be prepared to find them out in the backyard laughing as they sear ants with a magnifying glass.
HPV Toys Because Disease Never Looked So Cute
I get what they're trying to do here, but I'm not sure giving your kid a literal toy version of an STD is a good way to go. I'd start them off on something more innocuous, like the common cold, and then just work their way up.
This "To The Bone" Toy Chills Me To The Bone
This isn't something I'd get my kid, but it's definitely something I'd get my husband when I'm angry with him. If he's going to be in the doghouse, he might as well look the part...
For All The Kids Who Wanted To Take Roadkill Home With Them
I don't judge people based on if they eat roadkill or not—that's not the issue. What I do judge people on is buying toys that encourage playing with roadkill. The last thing I need to see is a dead squirrel in the gutter with a Barbie dress on it.
I've Got My Own Pimples To Pop, Thanks. I Don't Need Someone Else's
Just the thought of squeezing my own zits makes me feel queasy, so I can't even imagine doing it for fun. Do kids even have zits? Maybe that's a goal they can set for themselves when they're older.
I Mean, Yeah, This Is The Reality Of Living With A Pet
I like how this pet doesn't make a mystery of exactly what it does. It says clearly on the box that it will destroy your carpets, your backyard, and your shoes. If only real pets came with that kind of warning.
Can I Find These Pig's Feet Plush Toys At Homesense?
Not only does literally nobody need this terrifying plushie, I'm confused about why the date is displayed beside her. Is this a hostage situation? Blink twice and say the word BBQ if you need help.
Didn't Know Aliens Had Awkward High School Student Skin
We can't escape these pimple-popper toys. I thought I had done my purgatory in high school when I had the nickname "pizza-face," but it looks like even the extraterrestrials are mocking me.
"Found In The Toy Section Of Goodwill"
Apparently, the Halloween section and the toy section are one and the same depending on how badly you want to traumatize your child. Lucky for you, I think the bloody head will do the trick and you won't have to waste your money by getting both.
I Think I Know What The Slime Surprise Is...
If there's one thing this toy is, it's not a surprise. Poopsie, I know exactly what's going to come out of you, and I won't be surprised. Don't look at me with those coy eyes, you're not fooling anyone.
E.T. Phone The Gym
This is the toy to get your kid if you want them to grow up with a healthy fear of aliens. Not out of worry that they're going to get abducted—no, out of fear that the swole aliens are going to saddle up beside them at the free weights and embarrass them by pumping twice the iron they are.
This Dog Toy Adds A Whole Nother Level To The Saying "Squeal Like A Pig"
This isn't a child's toy, but after the ones you've seen on this list, would it really be surprising if it were? The shave-the-baby toy opened a Pandora's box of demonic Hasbro misfits, and we can never bleach that out of our minds.
Ah, Yes, Blue Koalas Do Excrete Jewels, Just Like In Real Life
If your blue koala isn't regularly pooping out gems once a day, then make sure you take it to your local geologist. There might be a stalactite or two causing a blockage, and you're going to want to get that mined out quickly.
This Is A Real Crappy Toy
Honestly, for the mess my kids make in the washroom, I'm somewhat tempted to buy them this toy just to get them practicing cleaning up their own messes. I won't do it...but I'm thinking about it.
This Can't Be Real...This Has To Be A Movie Prop...
You made it this far, you be the judge whether this is a movie prop, a figment of your traumatized imagination, or just another child's toy from a thrift store. There are no wrong answers.
